The Battle...

It is humbling - and not so - to read Lance Armstrong's book about his battle with Cancer. Everyone I know that has read it has been inspired by his fighting spirit and reassurance in himself. But I guess unless you are also battling cancer you do not connect on the same level, that I do.

Reading the book and hearing all he went through, I can not help but relate it to myself, and my current battle. For many of the of the reactions and realisations that Lance has, are exactly the same. No matter the type or severity of the Cancer.
I know I have been blessed in receiving a so called "mild-er" version of cancer. Or what is called "the best cancer to get - if you had to" but even knowing that doesn't help all the low points.

There is reflection, and thinking. I know that myself, I can just drift off and forget who I am, what I was saying or doing, or what I was talking about / or to who. It can be highly useful at times but other times I don't even realise I am doing it until someone snaps me back, or I just come back on my own. Mostly this happens during or after Chemo, and the following days. (like today)

I blame the drugs surging around my body.

The day before Chemo and the days after Chemo are the worst. From feeling 'normal' to feeling like shit in a mere couple of hours is the worst feeling ever... I can not even start to explain it.
Not only does it leave you feeling helpless and that all you can do is hope that the Chemo is working - to kill the cancer... but it leaves you feeling vulnerable.

More vulnerable than I've ever felt in my life before.

It is a type of vulnerability that leaves your emotions on the line. You can be happy one minute, sad the next, then angry and crazy in the next couple of minutes. You never know what is coming, what is laying just underneath the surface.

It is the little things that you seem to react to...
whether it be someone staring at you because they have not seen anyone without hair before, or because you have absolutely no energy, that even walking up all of 20 steps to your bedroom is tiring enough. It could even just be a friend who has done something so unexpectedly for you "just because", and your feeling of admiration for them... or thinking about "that friend" you thought might be there for you through it all, but at the last minute gets cold feet, and pulls the rug out from underneath you.
Or it could even be just reflecting at a time like this. You are just feeling so many different emotions at one time.. that they can all surface so differently.

However, I would never be where I am now with out the support of my amazing family, and all my wonderful friends. You have all helped me more than I could ever Thank You for. I don't even know how I am going to repay you all for your kindness and generosity you have shown me. I just know that if anyone else was in my boat (and I hope that NONE of you will be), I would be there for them through thick and thin. Mind you I do believe that I would have done that even before going through all this myself.

Yet here I am rambling...
I guess reading about Lance Armstrong's memoirs of his battle has caused me to reflect - yet again - and I now feel the need to explain and share this with you all. :)

Reflecting and thinking is a natural process for everyone and now that I am nearly over the worst with my battle, it is as good a time as any.

ONLY ONE CHEMO LEFT!!! woot! woot! woot!

After that only a battery of test, 6-8 months rest and re-cooperation until I reach 'The Emerald City' (if anyone remembers me initially setting out on the 'yellow brick road' of cancer) and start living my life again with a whole new light on 'normal'. :D *happy dance* Plus I can still trump you all... "Don't blame me, blame the Cancer!"

Until next time... Eat Chocolate (it has an amazing tendency to help emotions)...

~ Amelia xox

P.s Still 5 hidden innuendo's